The economics of the ephemeral

For me it’s the economics of being a mother

To a son who is inches away yet miles from me 

A moment 

A joke, a connection - a semblance of a joint existence 

I’ll learn it all - if it can help me - lean into his life 

Perhaps if I lean in enough - if I learn enough - if I 

Grovel a bit 

It won’t be a Chinese Room* 

It will be a life - a life he leads with a job if he wants it 

Friends, lovers, books, texts to his mother that he is busy 

But Sunday for brunch would be nice - he’ll buy 

I want that - how do I get there - when he’s on repeat 

Scripting and flapping and bouncing - everything that was cute at 4 - at seventeen it’s knee bending - it’s my life 

How do I get out of my life 

How do I leave 

Knowing he remains 

* 1980 paper by the American philosopher John Searle, entitled "Minds, Brains, and Programs" and published in the journal Behavioral and Brain Sciences.^[1]

be

You don’t know what to do - so I’ll tell you 

Do what you want - what we have is 20 maybe 

25 more years - where we can stand upright 

Lift each foot for each step - embrace a pencil 

Button ourselves in - we have so little time  

Don’t waste it thinking on what to do - I’ll be ok 

You’ll be ok - what’s the worst that will happen 

Die

No - thats the best - I hear the other side welcomes 

The dead - and lets us rest - and we need rest - each 

Night 

Is too long and each day is too hot 

So to summarize - no worries - just be - and let us go 

aether

Somewhere in Paraguay someone or something

Has reached out and touched my words - take 

That Emily Dickinson - and I’m still alive yet 

Take solace - not a penny have I earned - and 

Truth be told - the words come from the ether 

The very strength of the clouds - of oxygen 

Linked to humanity - so Emily take solace - 

Your shoulders I stand on - the very dirt where 

You decompose - I visited once long ago - a hop 

Away from a conference - that demanded obedience 

Promised hope sprawled out in pamphlets long 

Gone 

And so I  carry your  words - I must wait hundreds 

Of years to learn - so let me rest and wait to be recalled 

lucrum cessans

Hate as a passive response

Not the verb that’s needed 

Just a sigh - no action - just 

Quiet immovable hate - I can 

Chip at it - resonate it - chat gpt it 

Still it comes down - to why 

Why come back and give so little 

Why expect the moon on my back 

Why - extend a hope - what was I 

That deserved so little - a significant 

You - lost in a myriad of threads 

It all turned into slush - a quick 

Sand - I easily fell into - hope on one end 

Hate the other - not of you - hate at what 

Was lost 

To sleep*

There’s an awful lot to write about

And not much time - each name is 

Called out - arms outstretched - 

Shackled - the last moment of life 

Before - once again - released - each 

Silently makes a promise - this time 

After this - but before that - it echoes 

This silent - rebuke - prayer - for others 

How it all came to pass - each a story 

Mine could join theirs - yes there is 

Much to write about and time well time 

Has a habit of not caring - 

* “ To sleep; perchance to dream: ay there’s the rub: for in that sleep of death what dreams may come?” William Shakespeare’s Hamlet (Act 3, Scene 1)

 

the violation of thermal dynamics

            and you'll say i never loved you

and i'll say - i love you. i love you now 

                                                                    why 

    i ask myself - 

        each moment i let a thought in  

            a whisper, a whisp, a glance - it all ends with 

i knew you once, i know you now, and when 

it all ends - i will know you again. 

                                                        so i'll see 

you when i see you - a mechanism in perpetual 

        motion 

As humans we have to stop - there is an eventual end to - us 

    for if not we will go mad - the heat will numb us, the rain 

    will drop and we will smile of that one moment in mexico 

    the cold will remind you that i cannot exist in such temperatures 

    i am after all made for dancing and for the other things you 

need

Joy for Free*

This month is over - and I survived it 

For a moment there I felt I would falter 

I was angry - the disappointing - stung 

And that was what it was meant to do 

And it did - and it will for a while - yet 

It’s just another thing I survived -  and it 

Gave me strength - the strength that comes 

To someone who has suffered  much worse 

So bring it - 

And then leave it - be safe - that’s all we can 

Hope - and someday many years from now 

I’ll smile and think how sad - how such a slight 

Hurt so much 

* Joy for Free: Cole Adams and Paul Niehaus IV