location, location, location

Perhaps the reason I can’t buy a house 

Is because I don’t want it here - here has 

Let me down - here has felt like muck 

It’s all mucked up - the loosing you the you 

Back again and again - and I never wanted 

To be here 

The mountains, the prairies - 

The sky that extends into the ocean 

It all feels so daunting to escape 

Yet it all feels so muggy here besides the tumble weeds 

Perhaps now knowing 

You’ll be gone and won’t ever return, ever 

I’ll find my escape amongst the creeks of Colorado 

Or the sea of the Carolinas - or the hills of New Mexico 

grace

like yellow papers scattered across the prairie*

my words are scattered across this abyss 

i read that book in one sitting 

i can read, read so fast at times it hurts 

but that is my job - to read and find probable cause 

probable cause to arrest and hold - to stop the goings of life 

in fact this finding often ends jobs and relationships 

it stalks in waiting - expiration, speeding, cameras 

all good helpers and the best of all are the ones

that at one time said I love - unconditional, unwaivering 

love 

used against - i often stop and whisper 

 thank you 

for loving me enough to not 

forlettingme

be free

*Conagher

Novel by Louis L'Amour

3VL: three valued logic

So many bits 

A byte really 

Can it all fit

In a tear drop 

Fall in a cup 

A drink made 

For the lost 

Are we not so 

A memory 

But for that 

We need a bit

 

More - eight 

I am told - is the de facto standard 

And boy we had a few: each makes 

Me laugh when I think - I try not to 

Cuz after the laugh it makes me sad

How did we go so wrong - how is the feeling 

So strong - in one dream I met you 

In a library so large it wasn’t chance 

In another dream - it was a canyon 

So vast - not another soul ever existed 

I am told to let go with grace - I’ll try again 

Tomorrow then each tomorrow after - till then 

I’ll laugh and be sad - narrow down the time 

So it fits into - the de facto 

Another ode to O’Brien

. . . . And I guess that’s what gets me

I don’t have you and I don’t have phil 

And where does that leave me for male 

Friends: even wacky ones like you or phil 

Phil as we know - fell far short of you 

Still his Jeep and his listening ear  - made 

A good friend - I don’t recall where I met 

Him - he was army so was I - probably 

There - being a lawyer has its privileges 

Doing work for friends is not one of them 

I’ve lost a few 

If I do and don’t do well - a strike - if I do 

And do - do well - I get to do it again - it’s 

All a bunch of shit really - and phil is one of

One divorce - one name change and one I just 

Would not do - so he stopped calling cuz after 

All I owed him - I don’t know why I owed him 

But he felt I did - so now you are dead & there’s 

No phil to call at Costco anymore - when I see 

You and I will see you again according to James 

McCrae,  a great and powerful poet, who hints 

To bring scars home - that will be a scar I show 

The many times I picked up the phone and heard 

Can I ask a question, can you, will you, if you can 

I assume you, O’Brien, will say the same thing to 

Me - how many times did I answer you -  and let 

Ask - and take a little bit of my soul - so many bits 

What does it matter - it was just a dream

Me, me, me - it’s all me 

Done - well done - just 

Enough to peel back a layer 

Or two or three or four 

- Enough to open up -

A cat here - a cat there  - and way over 

                            There - the dream resonates 

I see the dress: black with dots 

A full skirt, a plunging top - 

The kind I always look good in 

My hair loose 

                     - italy a skip away 

Capri or Venice I don’t recall 

I just recall the dress and sneakers 

And you standing far enough away 

Yet close enough to see - the dress 

But not the sneakers - why in god’s 

Country - would I wear sneakers 

That’s an easier question to ponder 

than why I saw you - arms crossed 

Legs slightly apart, jeans and a belt 

And a tucked in shirt - I never under 

Stood the need to tuck away a short 

Sleeved shirt - as if it had to impress 

But I digress 

there you were - a few steps away 

In an Italy you never even knew I knew 

Perhaps I’ll go there again 

And sell paper hats 

embargo

i am avoiding the inevitable

the moment we all have to 

face - the moment a year swarms in 

and the ridicule of the past year

empties its coffers. so instead 

i type to empty thoughts - there 

are so many - words - i kept in pause 

it is nice to clear them out - still 

today i do because it delays the truth 

i made too much to have so little. 

pantomime

I never knew I would miss you so much

Being dead has taken its toll - I still hv 

Your last texts - and your first - how silly 

It all is - I could never really accept you 

and you knew that - and i knew that and 

that is why we met every other month - 

why you married someone more broken 

than me - why i - when i opened the door 

to my x husband the fear ran through me 

it was a moment of green lingerie - we never 

spoke of it: never will. a youthful indiscretion 

i took too seriously - it was fear simple fear 

of years of programming. he hid it too 

well - the only man in my youth i had 

had he been free - as all jazz should be 

he would have resonated your beauty 

had i been stronger - more open: i may 

have saved you - and we could be having 

lunch today 

but today it is raining